Getting back in the saddle and the happiness of normal life

It has been a while since we posted anything. So we have a lot to cover.
With the inspiration of today being the day Amanda was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer exactly three years ago. How time flies.

When you are in the middle of it, time moves at a snail's pace. Some days seem like you are walking through quicksand. But the world continues to move forward and if you are lucky enough, you can look at all the hospital visits, needles, shots and scars as just one of life's challenging experiences.

Never underestimating and under appreciating those who battle cancer or any other disease.
Celebrating their true courage and grace as they share their journey with those who choose to be involved.

I probably have said this before, as all I ever wanted to be in life was a cowboy because I thought they were the toughest and most courageous, riding wild bulls and broncs. Gathering stray calves in a late winter storm in the middle of night.

But I am here to tell you, that when I grow up, I want to have the courage and fortitude of the lady getting chemo at the cancer center no matter her diagnosis who smiles at everyone with a twinkle in her eye. Who dares to fight no matter the outlook and empowers those who are struggling. I have laid witness to this over and over again. The strength of the human being, the true gladiators. Not the football player or the the mixed martial artist, but those who are given an unexpected battle for their life and never waver. These are my heroes, the epitome of what is best of all of us.

Amanda was diagnosed three years ago, with a very negative prognosis. I am happy to say she has been cancer free for about two and a half years.
For breast cancer patients, the ride can have many ups and downs. There can be chemo, radiation, a mastectomy.

In Amanda's case, after her first breast reconstruction she had gotten a blod clot in her leg. It is hard to evaluate pain with everything she has been through, but the blood clot may have been worse than all the prior surgeries.
May 26th, 2016 she ended up having to get three stents placed in her abdomen to help with blood flow. The leg is now fine and she is currently on plavix and will be for another six months.

On October 17th, 2016, Amanda had a total hysterectomy/bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (removal of both ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus and cervix) due to being BRCA1. This choice did not come without many tough discussions as we had played with the idea of having a third child, but thought it was more important for her to be around for the two beautiful children we already have.

Her amazing friend Angel, who is actually a real angel, came into town and stayed with her in a hotel room for a few days so she could recover while I became Mr. Mom.

I won't go into detail, but it can be a trying time when your wife goes into early menopause, but I have to say it hasn't changed her one bit. She is just as mean as she was before. Just kidding. She has worked extra hard to not let it affect her as a mother and a wife.

December 6th, 2016 was the second reconstruction surgery to replace the breast tissue expanders with implants. Everything seemed to go fine until she had to go back into the hospital on December 9th for lack of blood supply to her left breast (where she had the flap procedure done) and a possible infection. This was scary after getting so far. Amanda's plastic surgeon, Dr. Kurkjian was cautious and wanted her to stay in the hospital to make sure everything was ok. Thank you Dr. Kurkjian for taking such great care of Amanda. I am proud to say she has two new healthy breasts.

I have to say that it has been a little weird the last two months not worrying or planning for another surgery. We have just been proud to be living the day-to-day life of getting kids to school, working every day, being able to focus on the normalities of life.

We had a milestone the last few weeks. Amanda helped me and rode horses almost every day. Helping me train and inspiring us to continue our beautiful journey helping people with horses.

To say how proud I am of her wouldn't even touch the way I feel about her. She continually shows her unconditional love for her family and animals and life. Never feeling sorry for herself.

I would like to say we are celebrating three years today, but I would rather say that we are celebrating all of those we have been blessed to meet who are fighting the good fight, to those we have lost who made us better people just knowing them and to those that keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter the cost. To all the nurses, doctors, and friends that get up and do what they do every day.
We are celebrating the gift of knowing all of them.

On December 16, 2016, a dear friend of Amanda's passed away.
Amanda wanted to share the story of their friendship and how much Wendi Taylor means to her-

"Throughout our lives we are blessed to meet people who make imprints on our souls. Wendi Taylor was one of those people for me. 
I was going through chemo in the summer of 2014. Overall, I handled chemo pretty well and tried to be very positive through the process. But one thing that would really rattle me was when my counts were too low to get a treatment. The first time that happened was especially hard on me. It took everything in me not to completely break down.
At one point I noticed another patient was looking at me.
She gave me her reassuring smile and nod, communicating with her eyes that everything would be ok.
As we left, I was so filled with emotion. More than I had maybe felt in my entire life. I had heard that she was battling stage 4 triple negative breast cancer.
She radiated so much love and light and was so nurturing in just a single gesture. It blew me away that she would be so giving and open to me, even going through what she was going through.
The true beauty of the human spirit.
I saw it in Wendi that day.
I have never looked at people or the world the same since. We would become friends and she was always so supportive, no matter what trials she was facing. I am changed forever from knowing Wendi. 
Love and being there for each other. That is what life is all about. Thank you Wendi Taylor for the gifts you have given to me and so many others.
Throughout her time during treatments, she lived her life to the fullest and was an inspiration to all who were blessed to meet her. I love you Wendi, always and forever"

                                                   Home after hysterectomy
                                                        October 20, 2016

                                                                                                  December, 2016

                                                    Amanda and Wendi

                                                        February, 2015

                                With two horses in training with us 
                                              January 10, 2017

                 First ride after second reconstruction surgery
                                      January 23, 2017

                                                           

                                   Back at work with my partner 

                                             February 9, 2017

Ride the Journey!

When I start training young horses or am retraining an older horse or problem horse, I like to always remind myself that we are immersed on a beautiful, challenging journey. With every horse there is a new Journey. When we first meet, I have no idea what that journey will hold. It will have twists and turns, right and wrong turns, special moments and mistakes. No matter how scary the journey may seem, we are on its back for the long ride no matter what. That is why I always think about riding the journey! We may not choose it, but the journey has chosen us.

So we try to find rhythm and timing, understanding and confidence in the adversity we are faced with. We must keep moving, and move with it like a herd of horses running free. They may trip and fall but they always get up and keep on moving. "Keep on moving no matter what!"

We haven't updated this blog in a while and wanted to share how our continuous journey is going. Amanda is strong and fights each moment with grace. Don't get me wrong, there have been hard times and lots of tears. At the end of the ride we are eternally grateful to be around to sit astride this complicated journey's back.

Amanda had her first of multiple surgeries for her reconstruction on February 10th. Due to the fact that she had her double mastectomy first, then radiation, then a delayed reconstruction, it made the surgery more difficult than we had expected. I will put this in my layman terms the best I can. The surgeon put tissue expanders on both sides to slowly stretch out the skin to prepare the breasts for the implants. She also had what is called a latissimus dorsi flap procedure done on her left side. The left side was the side where the cancer was and more tissue was removed on that side during the mastectomy. The lat flap is where they take an oval flap of skin, fat, muscle and blood vessels from the upper back to reconstruct the breast.
We thought this would be a little incision. Turns out this was more than half her back and probably the most painful of the incisions, which were multiple. I was surprised how little the incisions affected me on a visual level. Other than the reality of seeing your partner have multiple wounds. Words can not explain the pain I felt for her, however Amanda's spirit helped my confidence, helped me to understand it was ok and they were just scars not her soul.

She was under anesthesia for about five hours and the first two days post surgery were pretty rough. The hardest part was Amanda had trouble getting her breath from the pressure of the expanders. With all the pain I think she became a little claustrophobic. She stayed strong and fought as she is my own warrior queen. My cousin Kathy came out for a few weeks to help with the children and let me focus on Amanda.

Probably the roughest part of this go-round was keeping the kids off of her. She wasn't supposed to move her arms much for a while and Amanda really struggled with not being able to care for the kids the way she is used to.

We went through cleaning the drains again just like the mastectomy and had to doctor the wounds every day.

Everything was going along ok until early one morning 12 days after her surgery. She woke up with extreme pain in her left groin that over the course of a few hours started going down her whole leg. Her plastic surgeon wanted us to go to the emergency room immediately. To make a long story short, Amanda was diagnosed with a giant blood clot that covered most of her left leg. The pain was hard to watch and we were scared at first due to preconceived notions about blood clots. The funny part of this story was that I was a little under the weather and had been throwing up all night the night before. I was pretty pale and the nice nurse at emergency seemed more concerned about me than Amanda. I kept telling him I was fine but it got to the point that the nurse forcefully admitted me. So there we lay, husband and wife. One sick with the flu and the other with the worlds largest blood clot. We were quite the lot. In sickness and in health.

Amanda was admitted back to the hospital for another four days so they could get control of and keep watch of the clot, which was a complication from the surgery. The good part was that she was forced to get some rest that she couldn't get at home with the kids. We now had the help of the amazing, "Gogi,"called by our children, Amanda's mother. She held down the fort as Amanda regrouped in the hospital.

Amanda was sent home having to give herself blood thinner shots for a week and will have to stay on an oral blood thinner, Xarelto, for about six months. Her leg will be fine and was just another twist and turn on our journey.

Due to the blood thinners, Amanda's timeline to have her implants put in has been pushed back a little bit.

The expansions have gone fine for the most part. She is having them expanded a little at a time. It has taken some getting used to, having the foreign expanders under the skin, they can be quite uncomfortable for her. This hasn't stopped Amanda from getting back to riding horses as often as possible and being her normal force with the children.

Last week, Amanda had her routine 3 month follow up with her Oncologist, Dr. Robyn Young. Amanda was planning on having her full hysterectomy done at some point the next couple of years after her reconstruction is completed. (Due to the fact she has the BRCA1 gene mutation and is at higher risk for Ovarian cancer.) After seeing some new data, Dr. Young feels it is best for Amanda to stop producing estrogen immediately. She has seen new data that shows higher survival rates for triple negative, BRCA1 survivors when they are no longer producing estrogen. So, last Wednesday, Amanda started receiving Zoladex shots that basically "shut off her ovaries." Putting Amanda into menopause. She will continue with the shots until her reconstruction is completed. Then she will have the hysterectomy done as soon as possible after that.

I am really going to have to put in an extra effort and try to be understanding of what she is going through as a woman. Just like the horses, never take it personally!

Some would say what a rough, horrible journey you guys are on. Maybe, but we never forget how blessed we are for every breath, hug, smile, kiss. The friends that have showered their love upon us, the individuals we have met who have touched our lives and showed us how understanding and compassionate the human species can be. Nurses that took their time regardless of their hectic schedules, doctors that went out of their way on their days off.

Probably the most inspiring were the new friends of Amanda's who were just beginning their cancer journey that take the time to support Amanda on the other side. Over time, when Amanda was scared, she thought of these beautifully strong women and how she was inspired by them.

Like I said before, the journey chooses us. And we just gotta hold on for the ride.

In sickness and in health

Amanda with Violet and Ryder the night she came home from the hospital after her surgery

Most recent picture of the four of us, April 2016

Amanda playing for our Justina

Facing a new challenge down the trail

Since it has been awhile, I wanted to start off by saying that I am so happy to share that we have truly been blessed with how healthy Amanda is. She has had no long term side effects from the six months of chemo, double mastectomy and radiation treatments and is one hundred percent back to her old self. She was 34 years old when she was diagnosed, she is now 36.

How important are breasts really? Once they have nurse fed your babies to health... What is there functional use really? Sure, they look good in a dress and are a big part of what makes a woman a woman. 

Well, this question has arose with us in our household, now that Amanda is about 16 months cancer free. When this all started it seemed that other than not being alive, losing Amanda's breasts was pretty scary. At least to me. They made her confident and curvaceous, she wore them proud. That was all taken away in the finding of one little lump in her breast. To be honest, in the beginning I wasn't sure I was comfortable with her not having breasts and how it would look, but I would never tell Amanda that while she was fighting for her life. 

She never thought twice about it. All she wanted to do was be alive for her children, that was all that mattered. 

In the grand scheme of things, having a double mastectomy was so minor compared to not being alive. 

I am here to tell you that after a year of having a wife with no breasts, breasts do not make a woman. I would have never believed in a million years that I would be the one to say that. Yes, I will say it again, Breasts do not make a Woman! 

Amanda is still just as beautiful, just as sensual, an amazing mother and friend just like she always was. Maybe even a little more, now that she has become aware of how precious life is with everything she has gone through.

That being said, we are at that point where it is time for her reconstruction and Amanda has been excited just to be able to wear regular bras, not a prosthetic one. She looks forward to being able to wear certain dresses and clothes and not be limited to certain fits. 

I personally think she looks good in everything, but I'm partial.

We had a pre op appointment today with the plastic surgeon and to be honest I wasn't prepared for the myriad of emotions Amanda and I were going to go through. It sounds silly after how blessed we are that Amanda is healthy, that there would be any difficulties over a pair of new breasts or as the nurse kept saying, "your new girls."

Amanda, who has been extremely strong leading up to this was overtaken with emotion when we started going over the process of what was entailed for her to receive her new breasts. She was a little embarrassed and felt a little vain that she was having such an emotional  moment. I can tell you that Amanda has become dear friends with other women fighting the good fight with this horrible disease.  

As great as a feeling that it was to be talking about plastic surgery and not cancer, it was hard for her to be talking about getting new breasts when so many women are fighting for their lives.

It also brought her back into the world of surgeries and lots of doctor appointments after having a year of just having routine check ups every three months.

I have been right there with her the past two years of living in the cancer worlds, all the doctors, appointments, surgeries, consultations. Anytime back in the doctor's office can become very stressful. I wasn't prepared how much effort it takes for new breasts. Amanda has to have muscle and tissue taken from her back to help form one of her new breasts and expanders put in with a possible two day stay in the hospital, and up to six weeks where she can't lift and hold her children. After about four months of multiple doctors appointments filling up the expanders, she will come back and go through another surgery to put in the actual implants, with another six weeks to heal with no complications. After that will be nipple reconstruction along with any adjustments that need to be made.

When we left, Amanda seemed disheartened and I thought she was worried about all the surgeries. But she told me she was worried about how I would mange the horse business without her while she recovered. It definitely is a lot harder for me to function when she is not outside working alongside me. 

We began a long conversation if this was all worth it, as she is perfectly healthy. 

We talked about the kids and how we would keep the kids off of her for a few weeks. 

We talked about this journey that we have been on for the better part of two years. 

The one thing about Amanda is that whether it is doing the dishes, putting together a perfect Birthday party for our kids, corresponding to friends...she likes to finish what she starts. 

So she has decided to go through with the surgery and get her new breasts.

From the day she was diagnosed to the day of being healthy and having her breasts back, it will have been a three year long ordeal that has taught us about this disease that affects so many and how strong the human spirit is. We have met so many strong battle warriors that have took this head on and have never lost their ability to love and to enjoy this precious life.

Some special moments in 2015

Amanda riding "Ovie" a horse in training with us- January 24, 2015

                                                 February 17, 2015

                                                 July 4, 2015

                                              September 25, 2015

                        October 7, 2015- one year cancer free, riding "Jack" a horse in training with us

                                                   Halloween, 2015

   With breast surgeon, Dr. Amy Gunter at a cutting practice for the 2016 Careity Celebrity Cutting

                   Riding "Little Seabiscuit" again at the Careity Celebrity Cutting, December 4, 2015

Wild Ride

This blog entry is long overdue. We are sorry this has taken so long to post. It was quite a ride leading up to this point.

I wrote this first post the week after the Careity Celebrity Cutting.

DECEMBER, 2014

Amanda walked into the herd of cattle slowly and a bit hesitant. The crowd that filled Will Rogers Coliseum in Fort Worth, Texas were all on their toes.
Beverly Branch started singing a breathtakingly beautiful version of Hallelujah with lyrics by Lyn Walsh. You could cut the tension with a knife. I sat on a horse behind the judging booth watching everything in slow motion. Just as in Amanda's cancer diagnosis, there wasn't much I could do but sit back and watch.
I couldn't help her, she was on her own. She just had my support, but the journey was hers to play out.

My nerves were frayed. So many things can go wrong when performing on a cutting horse in front of a live crowd. Especially when less than a few weeks ago, Amanda had never been on a cutting horse. And she had her double mastectomy only two months earlier.

Rick and Shelly Mowery were kind enough to help her get prepared. She rode a gelding named Little Seabiscuit owned by Angelia Taylor Jensen.

I know Amanda so well and I could see she wasn't going to let anyone see her doubts. She kept her head up high.
Light with her hands, she worked her way through the herd. It seemed like forever before she cut the first cow out, but when she did, the last year flashed before my eyes. The diagnosis, our children, the fear, the friends, the support, the doctors, the horses, The Horses! They kept us afloat in every way. They kept us moving. They kept us believing and I knew than that it would be ok.

This night Amanda had the spirit of the horse in her.

Something I have worked nearly all my life to achieve. She was connected, she had a deep seat and was sitting tall.

The cow turned back and Amanda was right there. Her horse was right there and she didn't take her eyes off that cow. She not only wanted to be there for herself but for her horse.
She gave herself to the moment. The emotions welled up in me. Every time she made a move the crowd got more excited. I couldn't hold back the tears and I didn't care. She expressed herself through the horse that night and I may be biased but I never saw anything more beautiful in my life. Not only have I never been so proud of my wife but I have never been so proud of anything. When the music stopped, they had Amanda speak to everyone. This was Amanda's cleanse of the past and dreams of the future. There wasn't a dry eye in the house and I wept like a child.

The 2014 Careity Celebrity Cutting was an amazing event. Lyn Walsh and Beverly Branch have accomplished incredible feats with this charity. Words can not express how grateful we are to Careity Foundation for their help during our time of need. A special Thank You to Lyn and Beverly for giving Amanda such a special opportunity.

We had the support of family, friends, clients and strangers. She even got to perform with her Breast Surgeon, the Amazing Dr. Amy Gunter.
The strangers' emotion was so touching, so many people wanted to meet Amanda afterwards and tell us their stories and experiences with cancer. I could see it was hard on Amanda, that she was getting so much attention. So many people she talked to were still fighting for their lives and she didn't feel worthy. But that is Amanda.

We went to the after party and we danced for the first time in a long time, to George Straits, "The Chair." We got to see Lyle Lovett and Tanya Tucker perform and Amanda was awarded a beautiful Bronze. The night was a blur. We had moments of celebration and were very emotional. It was quite overwhelming, but neither one of us would have changed it. We spent the night at the Worthington Hotel, the first night away from our children since they were born, but had to get up early to get back to the ranch and take care of our chores.

AUGUST 8, 2015

Amanda completed 33 rounds of radiation at the end of January and is getting more of her strength back everyday. She still has reconstruction surgeries to do as well as a full hysterectomy at some point.
She is back working with me- training horses, giving lessons and keeping me in check. We are doing our best to live in the moment.

If you ever see people fighting through a disease, don't feel sorry for them. Know that they have strength inside but just might need a little smile and kindness to help bring them through. That is what we have received from so many and words can not express what every email, phone call, card and so much more has meant to us.

Thank you. With all my heart.
The Crying Cowboy,
Steve Stevens


http://www.careity.org















     http://www.fox4news.com/clip/11004552/fox-4ward-cutting-horse

One Day at a Time

We have needed to post an update for a while. It is hard to put in words all that has happened and what our family has been through. We have been so blessed with all of the support of our family and friends. The doctors have led us in the most positive of situations.

No one tells you at the beginning of this journey, for good or for bad, what you will go through as a Husband watching your wife fight for her life. Looking at your children and wondering if I will have to tell them one day that their mother is not coming home. The poking and prodding any cancer patient has to go through is insane. Wondering what every doctor visit is going to bring... and there are a lot of them.

Watching this horrible beautiful poison chemo try to cure this disgusting disease. We try to enjoy the small victories and ignore the realities of what could be if all doesn't work. Being thrown into this world where most of our new friends we meet are also fighting for their lives. You feel guilty when you see some of their battles are not going as well as ours and it makes you question everything. It can be pretty wearing.

At the end of the day we have to take it all in. Try to be grateful for every breath, every smile, and every moment life throws at us. This is something I need to work harder at. When you get put into this situation your life forever changes. How can you be mad at the little things, like your wife nagging you to take out the trash or a family member that is visiting, accidentally canceling a recording of the latest "Walking Dead" episode. Can you imagine feeling guilty about any negative thought because you know how precious life is. That can make you crazy. But it is the man I want to be. Appreciating all that is good in this world. Every second, every minute and every hour of every day. I have got some big boots to fill after watching how strong my wife has been, always holding her head up high and moving forward with grace and dignity.

Alright, back to business. About five weeks ago Amanda had her double mastectomy. She was a trooper. I am sure I was way more nervous than her. It all went successfully. She spent one night in the hospital. Her beautiful amazing friend Jen stayed in the hospital that night so I could be at home with the children.
When we brought Amanda home, her mother and brother helped with the care as you can imagine the first couple of days are rough. It was hard to keep the kids off of her. The hardest part in the beginning was that she had to have four drains left in and they needed to be cleaned by me twice a day. Nothing says love like cleaning drainage tubes.

The Big News

After surgery, our breast surgeon, Dr. Gunter told us that she did not see anything cancerous during the surgery but we would have to wait till everything was tested to know the official results. Three days later she called to tell us the news we had been so anxious to hear. Amanda had a pathological complete response to the chemo, (a PCR) which meant that no cancer was found in her breast or lymph nodes and her prognosis is now very good. We still needed to meet with the oncologist when she got the full report. A few days later we saw Dr. Gunter to look at the drains and to get a copy of the results that Amanda is cancer free. You would have thought Amanda was being handed a diploma from Harvard.

It has been a slow healing process. but Amanda has been pretty determined to get back to normal life. Overdoing it every day, not taking the pain meds that so many of us would be happy to take, so that she can be ok to care for the children.

Two weeks ago, we met with our Oncologist, Dr. Young. Obviously excited knowing the results, but it was a little bit of a punch in the gut. Dr. Young went over the statistics of life expectancy after a PCR with people that had started with the kind of cancer Amanda had. The odds are really good but not a hundred percent and that is something we will have to live with for the next five years. There are very few cases of cancer coming back in triple negative patients after five years. It was pretty scary when she gave us the percentage of what Amanda's life expectancy was at the beginning of this, and believe me, it is nothing short of a miracle where we are today. We just have go back to living our lives- being as healthy as possible, being positive, and having lots and lots of faith.

Two weekends ago, Amanda helped us put on a horse clinic like nothing had ever happened. I was happy to have my partner back.

Still to come is Radiation treatments which Amanda will begin at the end of November. That will be 33 Treatments over 7 weeks.
Then a full hysterectomy after that and finally reconstruction.

Thank you again everybody for all of the support.  







                                   A beautiful pendant one of our friends made for Amanda

               My brave wife after surgery

                                                                       Amanda's first ride after surgery, (three weeks post op.) So proud of her.      

MY WIFE THE WARRIOR

The day before my wife is to have a double mastectomy operation at Baylor All Saints in Fort Worth early tomorrow morning, she wants to ride a horse jumping with out anything covering her head to celebrate the strong women and men fighting Cancer. It just happens to be breast cancer awareness month.

She may not even know she is doing it, but she's determined to show how important it is to live every day and to be proud of the fight against cancer and not shy away from it. These woman with their bald heads and pale skin should not be looked at as sick,  but strong warrior princesses who have the  strength of women like Joan of Arc.

So the next time you see someone fighting this horrible disease, see their beautiful strength and not their sickness. Trust me, after meeting many of them during their daily fight, they are much tougher than you could ever imagine.

Thanks every one again for your continued support and know your hearts and strength will be with us tomorrow.