One Day at a Time

We have needed to post an update for a while. It is hard to put in words all that has happened and what our family has been through. We have been so blessed with all of the support of our family and friends. The doctors have led us in the most positive of situations.

No one tells you at the beginning of this journey, for good or for bad, what you will go through as a Husband watching your wife fight for her life. Looking at your children and wondering if I will have to tell them one day that their mother is not coming home. The poking and prodding any cancer patient has to go through is insane. Wondering what every doctor visit is going to bring... and there are a lot of them.

Watching this horrible beautiful poison chemo try to cure this disgusting disease. We try to enjoy the small victories and ignore the realities of what could be if all doesn't work. Being thrown into this world where most of our new friends we meet are also fighting for their lives. You feel guilty when you see some of their battles are not going as well as ours and it makes you question everything. It can be pretty wearing.

At the end of the day we have to take it all in. Try to be grateful for every breath, every smile, and every moment life throws at us. This is something I need to work harder at. When you get put into this situation your life forever changes. How can you be mad at the little things, like your wife nagging you to take out the trash or a family member that is visiting, accidentally canceling a recording of the latest "Walking Dead" episode. Can you imagine feeling guilty about any negative thought because you know how precious life is. That can make you crazy. But it is the man I want to be. Appreciating all that is good in this world. Every second, every minute and every hour of every day. I have got some big boots to fill after watching how strong my wife has been, always holding her head up high and moving forward with grace and dignity.

Alright, back to business. About five weeks ago Amanda had her double mastectomy. She was a trooper. I am sure I was way more nervous than her. It all went successfully. She spent one night in the hospital. Her beautiful amazing friend Jen stayed in the hospital that night so I could be at home with the children.
When we brought Amanda home, her mother and brother helped with the care as you can imagine the first couple of days are rough. It was hard to keep the kids off of her. The hardest part in the beginning was that she had to have four drains left in and they needed to be cleaned by me twice a day. Nothing says love like cleaning drainage tubes.

The Big News

After surgery, our breast surgeon, Dr. Gunter told us that she did not see anything cancerous during the surgery but we would have to wait till everything was tested to know the official results. Three days later she called to tell us the news we had been so anxious to hear. Amanda had a pathological complete response to the chemo, (a PCR) which meant that no cancer was found in her breast or lymph nodes and her prognosis is now very good. We still needed to meet with the oncologist when she got the full report. A few days later we saw Dr. Gunter to look at the drains and to get a copy of the results that Amanda is cancer free. You would have thought Amanda was being handed a diploma from Harvard.

It has been a slow healing process. but Amanda has been pretty determined to get back to normal life. Overdoing it every day, not taking the pain meds that so many of us would be happy to take, so that she can be ok to care for the children.

Two weeks ago, we met with our Oncologist, Dr. Young. Obviously excited knowing the results, but it was a little bit of a punch in the gut. Dr. Young went over the statistics of life expectancy after a PCR with people that had started with the kind of cancer Amanda had. The odds are really good but not a hundred percent and that is something we will have to live with for the next five years. There are very few cases of cancer coming back in triple negative patients after five years. It was pretty scary when she gave us the percentage of what Amanda's life expectancy was at the beginning of this, and believe me, it is nothing short of a miracle where we are today. We just have go back to living our lives- being as healthy as possible, being positive, and having lots and lots of faith.

Two weekends ago, Amanda helped us put on a horse clinic like nothing had ever happened. I was happy to have my partner back.

Still to come is Radiation treatments which Amanda will begin at the end of November. That will be 33 Treatments over 7 weeks.
Then a full hysterectomy after that and finally reconstruction.

Thank you again everybody for all of the support.  







                                   A beautiful pendant one of our friends made for Amanda

               My brave wife after surgery

                                                                       Amanda's first ride after surgery, (three weeks post op.) So proud of her.      

MY WIFE THE WARRIOR

The day before my wife is to have a double mastectomy operation at Baylor All Saints in Fort Worth early tomorrow morning, she wants to ride a horse jumping with out anything covering her head to celebrate the strong women and men fighting Cancer. It just happens to be breast cancer awareness month.

She may not even know she is doing it, but she's determined to show how important it is to live every day and to be proud of the fight against cancer and not shy away from it. These woman with their bald heads and pale skin should not be looked at as sick,  but strong warrior princesses who have the  strength of women like Joan of Arc.

So the next time you see someone fighting this horrible disease, see their beautiful strength and not their sickness. Trust me, after meeting many of them during their daily fight, they are much tougher than you could ever imagine.

Thanks every one again for your continued support and know your hearts and strength will be with us tomorrow.

"Chemo No Mo"

Friend is a word...

that I don't throw around

Though it's used and abused, I still like the sound.

I save it for people who've done right by me

And I know I can count on if ever need be.

Some of my friends drive big limousines

Own ranches and banks and visit with queens.

And some of my friends are up to their neck

In overdue notes and can't write a check.

They're singers or ropers or writers of prose

And others, God bless them can't blow their own nose!

I guess bein' friends don't have nothin' to do

With talent or money or knowin' who's who.

It's a comf'terbul feelin' when you don't have to care

'Bout choosin' your words or bein' quite fair

"Cause friends'll just listen and let go on by

Those words you don't mean and not bat an eye.

It makes a friend happy to see your success.

They're proud of yer good side and forgive all the rest

And that ain't so easy, all of the time

Sometimes I go crazy and seem to go blind!

Yer friends just might have to take you on home

Or remind you sometime that you're not alone.

or ever so gently pull you back to the ground

When you think you can fly with no one around.

A hug or a shake, which ever seems right

Is the high point of givin', I'll tell ya tonight,

All worldly riches and tributes of men

Can't hold a candle to the worth of a friend.

-Baxter Black

"Chemo No Mo" was a sign the nurses put up at the cancer center last Monday celebrating Amanda, my strong beautiful wife finishing 16 rounds of Chemo. It was an unforgettable day in our life. This has been a six month journey so far and this is our first major milestone.

I put the poem above cause I don't know how to thank all the people that have been supporting us. From doctors and nurses to family and friends. Old rodeo buddys or friends from high school that have shown so much care. Amanda's old theater friends and friends from work, and people we have just met. Our horse clients who see us go through this experience every day and understand when we are pressured for time or if we are a little stressed out.

I can't express how much your little comments, texts, emails and cards mean to us. I can't tell you how many times we are a little down and your words lift us up. I don't want to ramble on about this, but the poem by Mr. Baxter Black couldn't say it better. Thank you.

Back to business. We had an opportunity to go to an event last Wednesday night called "Careity Rocks." This is the charity who helps cancer patients and the event was benefiting Cooks Children's Hospital. Sonny Burgess, a staple in the Texas country music scene has built a recording studio for the children there at the hospital and helps them write music and bring it to fruition where they record their own music. If you ever wanted to support a country singer and download his music, this guy's heart is the real deal.

So, check him out and this wonderful program that Careity is doing. We got to watch the kids sing and visit with some new and old friends. It was a special night for us and a reminder that what we are going through isn't even close to what others battle through. These kids really gave us a new strength and we were honored to be a part of it. Thank you Careity for all that you do!

So now we are through with the chemo, next step surgery! Amanda will be having her double mastectomy October 7th. I am so nervous. Amanda is excited to move forward. We have family and friends coming to help and Amanda's Mom- Grandma "Gogi" a  crew of one to help us through.

Thank you again all of you for your support and we will keep you updated.

Last day of chemo- September 15, 2014

At "Careity Rocks"

Amanda got to help teach a couple of kids at our last group lesson

THE MASK OF THE RED DEVIL

There was a small cowboy town in Texas in the late 1800's named "Hope Spring," and there was a rumor going around that the outlaw nicknamed "The Red Devil" was in the territory. In the meanwhile, this little town was already run by hooligans, thieves and opportunists. But the core of "Hope Springs" was a band of settlers who worked hard and were good church going folks, but they were scared to walk down the streets and now were really scared the Red Devil was near by. The settlers were growing tired of worrying and were getting ready to pack their wagons up and head further West.
On this one hot summer day, the local riff raf decided to wreak havoc on this little town. What were the settlers to do but pull up stakes and run.
Then out of nowhere, a man on a horse came blowing through "Hope Spring" guns a blazing. He wore a black hat and a red bandana over his face. He rode a big powerful steed. The settlers couldn't believe their luck, it wasn't bad enough with all the chaos, but now the Red Devil has come to town. All was lost.
Except what they didn't notice, was the Red Devil was roping and dragging all the bad guys out of town. One by one, he got rid of all of the men that caused this little town despair. When he was done, he rode right up to the settlers, didn't say a word, tipped his hat and reared his horse. Then turned and rode away into the sunset.

Okay, so back to reality. Amanda started her new regimen of chemo yesterday of Adriamycin and Cytoxan. The Adriamycin is nicknamed the Red Devil. We haven't been looking forward to it because everyone says how hard it can be on the patient.
A day later, Amanda is doing okay. Pretty nauseous, but still able to take care of the kids. We will just have to wait and see how she handles it. She has 3 more rounds of these, every two weeks and then she will be done with chemo if no problems arise. As best we know, it is around three weeks after that she would have surgery.

We did get some very exciting news last week. Amanda had her first mammogram and ultrasound since she was diagnosed. Nothing at all could be seen in her breast or lymph nodes! That was a big day for us. They won't know till they do the surgery if it is officially all gone, but these are all great signs.


We did a group riding lesson this last week and taught clients beginning western jumping. After the lesson, our client Candace asked Amanda if she wanted to ride her big pretty Arabian that had been with us for training. Amanda kept eyeballing the jump, so she went over it a few times. She loves to jump so this was pretty cool. Thank you Candace.

Amanda and I continue to meet these beautiful strong people at the cancer center that inspire us to be postitive and keep fighting. There are people that go through such horrible things in this world and we are blessed for every day and moment we have. Our prayers and thoughts go out to all of our new friends out there.

Cowboy Christmas

In the professional rodeo circuit, this week is called Cowboy Christmas because there are more big rodeos going on than any other time of year. So all good Cowboys and Cowgirls, even if they are not Rodeoing need to take the time to saddle up and ride on this day of Celebration. There isn't anything more traditional than going for a ride on the 4th of July. That being said, we thought it was time for our daughter Violet to go for her first ride. So Mommy and Violet saddled up and if only for a few minutes rode off into that fairy tale world of princesses and unicorns and magical forest. So glad that my wife and little girl get to experience a first ride together. Words can't express how proud I am of both of them.

Amanda has had two weeks in a row of not getting chemo. The first for low platelets and the second for low white blood cell counts. So the process is slow going.
But it is amazing how Amanda comes home from going to get her treatments with stories of people going through the same thing or worse every week that are so gracious to her. If any of you are reading this- Thank You for your inspiration as it brings my wife home stronger each and every time.

Happy 4th everyone. Hug your loved ones and enjoy the fireworks.

One step forward two steps back!

Training horses we always say one step forward, two steps back. You have to be patient because they figure out things on their own time. With horses I can relate to that. It makes perfect sense and I see the benefits daily. With my wife fighting cancer, my patience is a little harder to find. We have been extremely busy with the most business we have had since we moved back to Texas.

We currently have 8 horses in training and we just put on a horsemanship clinic. On top of that, we have to clean up our home we own in Grandview, Tx that we were leasing. It was completely destroyed and we are not quite sure how we are going to pull everything off getting it ready to sell. This has all coincided with week after week of Amanda not being able to get chemo due to an upper respiratory infection and low white blood cell count. She finally was able to get it this past Thursday. Moving forward, they are going to be more aggressive with the neupogen shots which bring up her white blood cell count.

At this week's check up we had a great step forward. 

This is where we are at with this disease Amanda is fighting. 

The chemo is working wonders. After 6 treatments, Amanda's Oncologist Dr. Young can no longer feel her tumor or anything in her lymph nodes at all. Dr. Young said she had goose bumps after feeling for them. Amanda is now scheduled to have her last day of chemo August 21st. This is assuming no more setbacks and is a month later than the original schedule. She has 5 more treatments of the carboplatin/taxol combo. After that she will have a mammogram and an ultrasound done. Then she will have 4 treatments of Adriamycin and Cytoxan. After the chemotherapy is completed, she will have a double mastectomy, radiation, and then reconstruction. She will then have a full hysterectomy, since she is a BRCA1 gene carrier and is at high risk for ovarian cancer.

This is a long road and our hearts break every time we see other people going through this. It is a true test of wills for these strong, inspiring people. My heroes used to be Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali and Billy Etbauer( a world champion rodeo cowboy). These guys have nothing on the survivors and fighters of this horrible disease. Makes me feel silly when you think about your priorities in these ways.

During the clinic, Amanda had a little break from the kids and jumped on the horse I was riding. I kept teaching and when I looked over my shoulder she was riding like the wind. She was so stunning and didn't look like she had a care in the world. She is Amazing.

Just wanted to thank everyone for the support. There have been a few of you that we will never be able to repay your gracious heart.

Thank you

Sit tall in the saddle!

"Sit tall in the saddle, Hold your head up high
Keep your eyes fixed where the trail meets the sky
And live like you ain't afraid to die
Don't be scared just enjoy the ride."
-Chris LeDoux

I think of this song often. It has been a harder few weeks. Amanda hasn't been able to do chemo for a couple of weeks due to low white blood cell counts and low platelets. There are days she has been real down. Mentally and physically. She is strong and puts on a good face for the kids. She was able to do a session this last Thursday.
We both need to remind ourselves to live in the moment. Easy for me to say. Ryder is growing up so quick. He is turning into a little man right before our eyes. He started singing his new favorite song. Stand By Me. He seems to know things aren't quite right but he really lives in the moment. And little Violet seems to be faster crawling than Usain Bolt. She can do the fifty in like 3 flat. We have such gifts in our lives and I am scared with all that we are going through, we will miss out on some of it.

A local magazine, "North Texas Farm and Ranch"did an article on Amanda, the horses and our business. I am proud of it, but reading it was a real reality check. That my beautiful wife and family are going through this challenge. Don't get me wrong, they did a wonderful job writing it. Just somehow made all this more real.

I always tell people when they ride horses they need to keep their head up, look where they are going and breathe. So just like the Chris LeDoux song says, we are going to do our best to "Keep tall in the Saddle and hold our heads up High."

"The wind of heaven is that which blows between a horse's ears." -Arabian Proverb

This last week has been one of our tougher weeks so far. Amanda was quite nauseous from the carboplatin.  This last Thursday when we went in to do chemo, Amanda's white blood cell count was too low to do Chemo. This happens, but Amanda feels like she loses a week of fighting the cancer. If you know Amanda you know how tough this is for her. There is not much you can do, except try to exercise and eat really well. So needless to say I am learning more about preparing organic kale than I ever wanted to know. We also have all gotten severe allergies with the spring season which is concerning with Amanda's low white cells so we are keeping a close eye on it.

We have done a lot of studying over the years about the abilities horses have to heal people physically and mentally. I know for sure the horse has the ability to connect directly to your soul if you are willing to let him. Their movement and energy give you strength and serenity. So today we are making sure Amanda rides. The cold hard fact is when Amanda is riding it is the one place that  all she can focus on is the horse, and not worry about anything else. She has worked for many years on having this ability to connect with the horse and now they are giving back to her in spades.

So it was like 30 mile an hour winds today but Amanda was determined to ride. Her horse Snowflake is interesting, cause he really had a rough time with the human when we first got him. He was very agressive. He would try to chase you out of the stall when you would feed him and would lunge at you when you did groundwork. He also would let you pet him and as soon as you quit paying attention he would try to bite you for no reason. He just couldn't deal with any kind of affection. It was really sad. Needless to say, Amanda has always had a bond with him because she saw who he was and what he could become. Which is a very trustful horse who has really come through in the clutch for us. He isn't real athletic but the gifts he has given us through his try and heart have been more than a horse owner can ask for. Amanda has always liked to ride him bareback because she feels so close and connected to him. It was a little tough with the kids today but Amanda was able to disappear for a good fifteen minutes into hoof beat heaven and give herself to Snowflake's movement.

Next Chemo session is Thursday. So hopefully the nuepogen
shots work and her white blood cells are up. Will keep our fingers and hooves crossed.

"In Sickness and in Health..."

Tomorrow is our 5th wedding anniversary. "In sickness and in health"... I had no idea five years later, I would be put to the "in sickness" test. But I am glad that I am the one going through this with her. She inspires me everyday. When I rodeoed I thought if you were a world champion cowboy you were tough. Those guys were nothing compared to these people fighting cancer.

Amanda was given a schedule of 16 weeks of chemotherapy.

The first 12 rounds she will be on the drug combination of Carboplatin and Taxol. Then 4 rounds on Adriamycin and Cytoxan.

After that will be the double mastectomy, radiation, and then reconstructive surgery.

So far, the chemo is producing amazing results. After just two treatments, the tumor had drastically started shrinking as well as the lymph nodes. 

After three treatments, the tumor measured 1 cm (from being 4 cm) and the texture of it completely changed, from hard to soft (more like tissue.) And the lymph nodes are no longer measurable. The chemo is doing its job. The oncologist was extremely impressed with the results and is confident that by the time of surgery, Amanda will have a complete pathological response to the chemo which is the ultimate goal for triple negative patients and will greatly improve the prognosis. That will mean that the chemo will have completely killed the cancer.

So we are on the sixth Chemo day with a few sessions that have been cancelled due to low white blood cell counts, which is normal. But when they are down, Amanda is more susceptible to illness so we have to be careful. Amanda and the kids don't go anywhere and a lot of antibacterial hand wash. She gets nuepogen shots for a few days to bring the white cells back up. The main thing that really sucks is the chemo is put off for another week. So we have already had 2 1/2 weeks added to the chemo treatment.

Today was a hard day for Amanda. She was real nauseous this morning. Had trouble giving blood out of her port and then found out she couldn't do treatment today.  There were some other chemo patients having a hard time and it really affected her, bringing her to tears. But once we got home she went right back to taking care of our children without missing a beat.
I am proud to be celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary in a germ free environment tomorrow.

You are my life and love.
Happy Anniversary Angel!

P.S
This picture was on our wedding day. Amanda was determined to canter in her wedding dress on our horse Snowflake. The other is just one of my favorites.

Cowboys Don't Cry....B.S!

So all I knew about chemo was what I saw from binge watching Walter White on "Breaking Bad."

The oncologist wanted to start Amanda on chemo right away instead of doing surgeries first because of the aggressive nature of the cancer.
Oh my God, what does this mean? What do I know about this? She is going to get sick, nauseous and lose her hair. Lose her hair right? I realized I had all these ideas of what chemo was and was really scared for Amanda. In the meanwhile, Amanda was obsessed with starting chemo so she knew she was doing something to fight.

We had a few hoops to jump through to start. Number one was the Port. Yeah. a port. It is a surgical procedure where they stick this round port about the size of a quarter in the muscles of her chest just under the skin to take blood and most importantly put the chemo medicine in. I guess they do this so they don't have to find veins all the time. We did an introduction class at the chemo ward where you watch a video and a nurse tells you about all of the possible side effects. Got a schedule and all the nausea medicine prepared.

The first time you walk into a chemo ward your worst fears come true. There is a bunch of older, very sick looking people wrapped up in blankets. But after a few minutes there is a beauty unlike any beauty I've ever seen. These people smile at you and have a twinkle in their eyes. It's insane what horrible things people go through and they offer their hands and hearts. It's humanity in its purest form.

Amanda also had a Pet scan done that showed no other cancer other than in her breast and the two lymph nodes. Amanda had been so anxious and scared for weeks about finding out if it had spread. Once she got those results, she felt a weight had been lifted off of her and she had a new found determination and confidence about beating this.

She also had to take a genetics test to see if she had the breast cancer gene. Yes, the same thing Angelina Jolie has. It came back positive. Which means Amanda had up to an 80% risk of developing breast cancer at some point in her life.
This also means she will have to get a double mastectomy with breast reconstruction. She will also have to get her ovaries removed as she has a 55% risk of getting ovarian cancer. We are so blessed to have just had our two children.

I use to hear the saying "Cowboys don't cry." I believe it is ok to cry once in a while, as long as you are fighting back while you are doing it.

I have been so proud of Amanda hitting this face forward. She is Determined like never before.

Don't worry about falling, the ground will always catch you.

When we found out Amanda's results were positive, we wanted of course to find the best doctor, "oncologist" in the area. Which we did and our insurance that was giving us the run around said she was covered, along with the breast surgeon. The day we were going to meet her, the insurance company told us they made a mistake and we needed to look for another doctor.

We decided to go meet her anyways. She was very thorough in explaining the type of cancer Amanda had and how aggressive it is and explained that they needed to be aggressive with the treatment right away. Amanda would also need a Pet scan to make sure the cancer wasn't anywhere else. The reality had kicked in. I grew extremely more nervous in the room and finally blurted out, "Is Amanda going to get through this?" The doctor replied with a story of another patient that had. Not what I wanted to hear. Needless to say, we got her report so we could give it to the next oncologist the insurance was going to cover.

What ever you do- don't read the report the doctor writes up about your wife fighting breast cancer.

The words blew up all over the page POOR PROGNOSIS. When I got home, I went outside to pick up manure and my mind went to horrible places. Meanwhile, inside Amanda was trying to find a new Oncologist, taking care of business like she always does. When I came in I watched her jumping through hoops with the insurance company and seeing the worry on her face get worse. The next appointment she could get was for a doctor 90 miles away and was half a week away. I said "screw it, we don't have time for this. I have no idea how we are going to pay for chemo but set up an appointment with this amazing doctor we met."

A few days later, I was putting the first rides on some colts at a client's place.
With all Amanda had been through, she was out there helping me as we do sometimes. She will help drive the horses around from the ground while I am on their back. The funny thing was this day, right in the process of getting this colt to move forward, her phone rang. It was the president of a charity group called Careity who Amanda randomly new a lady who worked there. They are a charity group in the Fort Worth area specializing in breast cancer patients. The cool thing is that their big annual fundraiser is a celebrity cutting horse event. Amanda's breast surgeon, Dr. Amelia Gunter competes in the celebrity cutting.

While I am trying to stay on this young horse, Amanda was half way paying attention to me and talking to this lady.  I tried to leave her alone and keep my seat at the same time. Needless to say, Careity payed for her first chemo session and an echocardiogram she needed done. We got our insurance stuff worked out and now everything is covered. Careity is a true gift to breast cancer patients and we will be forever grateful to them.

A famous cowboy told me once when I was getting on my first bucking horse at a rodeo,"Don't worry, the ground will always catch you."

Wild horses are a lot easier than Triple Negative Breast Cancer

When you get a wild horse to train, you can build a step by step foundation to put riding him for the first time in your favor. When you find out your Beautiful wife has Triple Negative Breast Cancer, you feel like there is nothing left in your favor.

That's right. On February 17, 2014 we found out after 5 years of marriage and an 11 year relationship, my beautiful wife had been diagnosed with Stage 2b Triple Negative Breast Cancer. A 4 centimeter tumor in her left Breast and 2 lymph nodes were infected with cancer. Call me naive, but I thought this stuff happened to other people, not a healthy 34 year old woman who had just 5 months prior given birth to our second child, Violet Rose. The doctor said that the cancer had been growing for a while and had probably started before the birth of our first child Ryder James. These two children are the picture of health. How could this be.

Amanda and I just moved back to Texas from Southern California to have a fresh start with our Horse Training business and to raise our children in the country. We have dedicated are life to helping the horse and the people that choose to work with them. I can tell you a million facts about horses but when it comes to cancer and words like carboplatin and neutrophil count, I am dumb founded.

It might sound silly but this all started how a lot of cancers are found. While Amanda was breast feeding she felt a little lump. She had in the past had some dense tissue issues and would worry her self sick, then nothing was wrong with her. So this time I blew it off and embarrassingly so was annoyed with her worry. Amanda decided to wait a few weeks thinking it might be related to the breast feeding and we were in between insurance policies at the time so we waited another month till we had our new insurance. By the time she saw her OB/GYN it had been about two months since she originally felt the lump.

Our wonderful doctor who delivered  both our children said it was probably breast feeding related but regardless he wanted her to get a biopsy. After a fine needle aspiration biopsy didn't get a clear reading, a core needle biopsy was done and we got the results.....

So this blog is about our journey in life with our children, horses and fighting breast cancer.